Désir Diaries / Just For Him / How To Ask For Sex Advice When She Isn’t Feeling It

How To Ask For Sex Advice When She Isn’t Feeling It

Sex advice is something many men struggle with because it has an impact on their ego. But how are you ever going to please your woman if you don’t know what she wants from you?

There you are, as close as you can get to your wife or girlfriend, being as passionate and as skilled as you can be. The only problem is, she doesn’t seem to be into it. Her body feels tense, and though you try to make her relax and enjoy herself there is clearly something wrong.

Part of being an incredible lover is learning the art of ‘asking’ – which a lot of men see as a sign that they don’t know what they are doing. Women are complicated creatures with multiple dimensions to their sexuality and needs. You have to learn how to navigate these sexual emotions.

That’s why in this post we are going to look at how to ask her for sex advice and sex toys advice, when things are heating up during foreplay but you aren’t quite hitting the mark.

Man in bed thinking about beginners sex toys after bad sex
Man in bed thinking about beginners sex toys after bad sex

When Intimacy Breaks Down: Ego 101

One of the most common problems men face in a relationship that is suffering from a lack of intimacy and a lag in sexual connection – is that they are afraid to ask their woman what she wants in bed. You may believe if you ask her a question, the illusion will be dashed.

What illusion you may ask? The one that casts you as an expert lover, someone who can create the universe during a lovemaking session. Because of your ego, you avoid sex advice from your partner, because you believe you don’t need it. You’ll figure it out, you tell yourself.

The very crux of performing well in bed with the woman that you love has nothing to do with your sexual skill sets. Women are mysterious beings, and you cannot be expected to read their minds while doing your thing in bed. It just does not work.

As you grow together and tastes change, chemicals run amok and interests waver, sex advice will be the key factor that holds you two together. Without it, communication in the bedroom will break down, and sex will become more like a performance than a time to really connect and share.

Woman thinking about beginners sex toys after bad sex
Woman thinking about beginners sex toys after bad sex

When communication goes out of the window the results are horrible:

  • A growing distance between the two of you
  • More irritation and play-acting in the bedroom
  • A lack of intimacy and real connection both sexes crave
  • A gnawing feeling like you can’t please her sexually anymore
  • More distinctly faked orgasms during sex
  • Disinterest and a lack of enjoyment and excitement in the bedroom

No man wants their sexual relationship to result in a dead bedroom – but this is exactly how it begins! By not asking your woman the sex advice that will help you get things right, you risk everything falling apart – and lying about it to each other. Don’t do that!

Women want to tell you what they want, but they are afraid it will hurt your ego. Plus they may not even know exactly what they want, only that what you are doing is not working. In this case you have to be open to direction and asking questions that might prompt a way forward.

Getting What She Really Wants Out Of Her

You already know she isn’t feeling it – and the two of you are wrapped in each other like two hesitant sides of the same koeksister. The time to act is now – get that sex advice!

Step 1: Asking For Verbal Feedback

There are lots of ways to ask for sex advice that don’t require a long drawn-out conversation that will interrupt the heat of the moment.

When you ask these simple ‘checking’ questions, be aware of her physical, verbal and emotional responses – they will tell you what you need to know.

Two basic checking questions are:

  • Does this feel good?
  • Do you like this?

Couple these with action to gauge her response to what you are doing. Usually, if a woman is really enjoying something, she will not be able to hide it. It will be wonderfully obvious.

At the same time, don’t fall into the pattern of asking these questions too much, a couple of times informs, but too many times and you may come across as insecure.

Chatting about beginners sex toys in bed
Chatting about beginners sex toys in bed

Step 2: Let Her Take The Lead

According to Honestlynaked.com, a sexuality blog, a man’s ego controls his emotions sooner than their heart – but that ego can be a brick wall in situations that require sex advice.

Ego can stand in the way of intimate communication, of you prompting her to show you what she wants – by taking the lead. Women love to get all of the attention, especially when you are motivated to give her exactly what she wants in that moment.

If you don’t allow her to take the lead, that intimate sex advice communicated through motion and desire will be lost to you. And this alone can turn around a sexual experience.

Step 3: The Foreplay Only Session

You are a visual learner, so involving her favourite sex toy or two and watching her use it, before taking over for her will show you how she likes to be touched.

As a general rule, this works both ways. Sometimes she will feel afraid to touch you the way that you want with guys sex toys or anal toys – in which case you should show her.

She will only get into it if she feels confident in her actions, which is why women ask for sex advice so often. Use these foreplay sessions to explore each other with the toys you own.

You can learn an enormous amount about a person’s sexual identity by the way they engage in solo play with a toy, or how they use the toy on you.

For her pleasure, try a penis sleeve for added girth and a feeling of fullness during sex, and do the same for yourself with a man’s dildo. It can completely change the way sex feels, which may be the sex advice you need.

Happy couple after sex with beginners sex toys
Happy couple after sex with beginners sex toys

Step 4: Be an Unselfish Lover

For women, sexual routines are desire killers – even though they can continue working for you for many years. Good sex advice would be to practice new, exciting moves you have never tried together before. Don’t expect all the attention, instead be unselfish!

Even small environmental changes can improve your intimacy, as she will feel like you are putting in extra effort. Focus on her emotional state, and you will find that connection becomes stronger.

A lot of men focus on their orgasm and forget about their significant other’s sexual experience. That’s why 80% of women never orgasm during sex!

The secret here is that the more she enjoys the experience, the better it will be for you. She will reciprocate in a big way if you spend time making sure her needs are met.

Asking The Tough Questions

It can be difficult when the woman you love stops responding to your moves in the bedroom, but with the right sex advice from her that can change very quickly.

You have to be willing to ask the tough questions about what she wants, what works and what doesn’t and how you can improve things for her moving forward.

Sometimes it’s an intimacy problem, sometimes the sex has just become too mechanical. With open communication and solid sex advice from multiple conversations, you can resolve these problems.

According to Dr Logan Levkoff in her article on Huffington Post, women mainly don’t enjoy sex for simple reasons. The first is that sex happens before she is ready, aka too little foreplay. The rest ranges from poor body image, to having too much stress in her life.

The only way you are going to break through these barriers is to focus on her for a while. She needs you to find out what is troubling her, and to work on fixing the problem with her.

Where can I find sex advice for men? In any of our ‘just for him’ posts. We are dedicated to helping you improve your sexual relationship with your significant other. We know it can be a challenge to correct these problems, but it is very possible with the right sex advice.

So don’t be afraid to ask her, to probe for answers, and let her take the lead. Sometimes a woman wants to feel like she is the centre of your universe, which means that you have to put your ego aside and allow room for her to feel comfortable enough to share what she wants with you!

What Do You Think?

Thank you for reading our post, we hope you found it practical! In the spirit of our mission we have one more thing to ask you. What are your barriers to communication in the bedroom and how do you try to overcome them?

Be bold, and leave your comment below.

About Jade

I am the Operations Manager at Désir & feel so privileged to have been a part of this adventure from the very beginning, conceptualizing and building our amazing lingerie and sex toy ranges. Having a Diploma in Business Analysis my aim is to assist in the streamlining of processes, thereby ensuring maximum efficiency, remaining relevant by keeping up to date with trends, and producing statistical analysis in order to meet our consumer’s needs.

Check Also

Prostate Health

Prostate Health, the ins and outs, by Catriona Boffard

October was all about pink, and now November was all about purple. This month, people …