Désir Diaries / Couple’s Play / What is kinky sex anyway?

What is kinky sex anyway?

The one thing you must know about kinky sex is that there is no ‘kinky sex’. There are only kinky people.

See, I don’t really buy into the whole ‘kinky sex versus vanilla sex’ vibe.

what is kinky sex anyway

Any sex act or expression can be ‘kinky’ or ‘vanilla’ depending on the parameters and erotic natures of the people acting it out.

After all, everything is only as it is because of what you make of it – heels are just heels until someone wants to sh/ejaculate about it.

What might look like boring old ‘missionary position’ from the outside could be at once an enthralling, slow exchange of sexual energy or the basis of a fantasy role-play of an illicit tryst.

Or it could be the best way for her to orgasm, despite what the magazines tell her about female sexual anatomy. (One could argue, then, that her kinky nature is simply to do what pleases her body. Oh, the shock, the horror!)

But here’s what I’ve come to understand: True kinksters, no matter what they’re getting off on or how they’re getting off on it, are just people who make an effort.

They acknowledge their body’s pleasure, their appetites and proclivities, attractions and needs. This takes honesty and not many people are cool with honesty.

Then, if they’re brave enough, they do the work of accepting themselves as they are, they find like-minded people and ask the questions; they set up the sex, the plays, the scenarios that get them off and they allow themselves to have fun.

At the very least, no kinkster can just ‘go through the motions’, regardless of whether those motions are lying back and zoning out during sex or being caned by a Captain von Trapp lookalike because your peer group thinks it’s cool.

No, a true kinkster is fully invested in their sexual pleasure.

To be honest though, given how limited society really is and how bound to these limitations most people are, I believe everyone’s a kinksters at heart. Some are just waiting for the right moment, the right person, the right time to shuffle off these limitations and fly their own little freak flag.

You could call that ‘vanilla’. Me? I call that potential.

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About Dorothy Black

Dorothy Black

Dorothy Black has worked as a journalist, columnist and media personality in the field of sex and relationships since 2008. Since then Dot has written sex and relationship features and columns for a number publications including Marie Claire, Balanced Life, MAN, Men’s Health, Grazia, The Edit and Mail and Guardian, among others; She’s written sex advice columns for Cosmopolitan, Balanced Life, Club and ClubX; She’s produced videocasts for News24 and HEAIDS; She’s headed up South Africa’s largest student sex survey in 2013; and in 2016 published her first book, The Dot Spot – Adventures in Love and Sex.

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