The number one question I get asked when people find out my job is “why and how did you get into that?!” The short answer: I was (and still am) desperate to help change South African’s narrative on sex, especially for women!
Unfortunately for us ladies, there are very few of us who get any type of sex positive education growing up. No one speaks to us about pleasure, gives us permission to explore, or warns us that things can go wrong but they can be resolved. So this women’s month I wanted to ‘re-educate’ Desir’s readers (both men and women!) on the most common sex myths I have to bust with my clients.
Myth 1: Women should orgasm during sex (even every time)
This is the most common myth I have to bust! Although us girls were blessed with the only organ (the clitoris) that’s simple function is sexual pleasure, we do have a much tougher time in bed with a partner when it comes to reaching orgasm. Roughly 75% of women will not climax during sexual intercourse. This is due to numerous reasons, but could include inadequate stimulation, negative emotions towards their partner, or previous sexual trauma. Too many men seem to believe that all women can climax during sex, and will tell their current partners “they haven’t experienced this ‘problem’ before.”
Not climaxing during sexual intercourse is normal! Nearly all women need clitoral stimulation, so either use your hands or a little bullet vibrator to get the extra pleasure you need.
Myth 2: I need to focus on pleasuring my partner
This is a big problem for almost everyone. We spend so much of our sexual experience focusing on our partner and making sure we’re pleasuring them (either directly or by showing we’re enjoying ourselves) that we completely lose out on being truly satisfied and self-focused. I advise people to be selfish during sex at least half the time. We are all responsible for our own sexual pleasure, so rather focus on the sensations you’re experiencing and not on how your partner is feeling.
Myth 3: Fantasy about anything but my partner is bad
Our brain is our biggest sex organ, but sadly it can also have a pretty negative effect on our sexual experience. We so often get wrapped up in our emotional brain during sex (i.e. anxious/ worried about him/ her/ what we look like etc.) that it completely detracts from our sexual pleasure. Engaging your brain in a sex-positive way means thinking about something that turns you on…even if this isn’t your partner! What happens in our imaginations is safe and there is nothing wrong with engaging in something fantastical that will enhance our sexual experience. It’s only going to bring you more pleasure, which will in turn bring your partner satisfaction.
Myth 4: Sex is painful. Maybe there’s something wrong with me
Sex should never, ever be painful. I have seen countless women in my practice who have been ‘bearing’ painful sex for years. There is a reason for the pain, whether it is gynaecological, dermatological, neurological, muscular or psychological! And sexual pain is one of the easier sexual concerns to treat. So many women experience pain on penetration (even from trying to use a tampon) and this can be treated. If you experience pain, please reach out to me! There are numerous experts in South Africa, including myself, who can assist you in having pain-free sex!
Read more about Catriona Boffard on her website.