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How To Ask Sex Questions You Constantly Obsess Over

Sex questions are never the easiest to ask your man, but they are the key to a healthy relationship. Grow together by taking a courageous step into the unknown, and ask that question!

Men are not known for their open communication about sex and what they expect from their girlfriends, lovers or wives. Many women begin what seems to be an ideal sexual relationship with a love interest that changes over the years. Suddenly, sex isn’t as simple as it once was.

He might have dropped a truth bomb on you, or revealed an interest in a sexual fetish you really know nothing about. Now, you’re obsessing about it every day – and worse, Google has informed you that there may be other skeletons hiding in his closet. What is a girl to do?

Today’s post is about that all important sex Q&A that you should regularly be having with your man. If you need to know how, we’re going to spell it out for you. Now you have no choice!

Woman plays sex questions game
Woman plays sex questions game

The Big Reveal: Your Emotions

It’s not unusual for someone to have a strange sexual kink, one that they do not think their significant other would embrace, or tolerate. It’s happening more and more every year – and the search engines are positively brimming with cries for help on the subject.

  • My husband has a weird fantasy!
  • Sex with my husband got strange this weekend…
  • How do I understand my spouse’s freaky fetish?
  • Help! My husband wants things in bed that I hate

There are more than 6 million results for how to speak to a lover about their newly revealed fetish/kink/fantasy. There is a good chance that at some point, you are going to have to face ‘the talk.’ That’s when you ask your husband all of those sex questions you’ve been obsessing about.

If you don’t ask him these questions:

  • You will make inaccurate assumptions about his fetish which can cause sexual dysfunction
  • You will investigate false assumptions and become paranoid and suspicious
  • You will drive yourself nuts listing all the ‘what ifs’ that may happen
  • You may end up doing things you aren’t happy about to make him happy
  • You will distance yourself from him out of fear
No sex questions game causes distance
No sex questions game causes distance

This is the absolute WRONG thing to do! That’s a one way ticket to misunderstandings and a whole lot of things going unsaid – which is why so many relationships come to a grinding halt.

Instead you need to sit down with your husband and have it out – ask those sex questions that have been floating around your mind. Be clear. Be brutally honest. But never ignore the nagging questions. A quick recap over what constitutes okay and not okay kink behaviour:

  • Any fetish or kink that aims to harm you emotionally or physically is wrong (this does not include verbal role play)
  • Any fetish or kink that you are grossed out by or immediately turned off by
  • Any fetish or kink involving extreme, illegal or immoral acts

Once he has revealed his kink or fantasy to you, you need to write down a list of emotions that you are experiencing about it. Also record any sex questions that run across your mind.

Asking The Questions That Matter

How do you go about asking those sex questions that are so difficult to ask? It’s important to understand that it can only go in one of two directions.

1: Either your questions will be answered in a way that puts you at ease, opens you up and helps you release your anxiety about the kink or fantasy…

2: …Or you will get answers that you will not like, in which case more discussion is required to either set boundaries or discontinue all exploration of that kink within your bedroom space altogether.

Couple fights over sex questions game
Couple fights over sex questions game

Step 1: Speak Directly

According to Psychcentral, men and women communicate for different reasons. He talks to communicate a clear purpose, she talks to discover her feelings and to figure out what she means.

For a man, you need to ask direct sex questions to get direct answers. Women are taught to speak indirectly, to increase intimacy and share with their partners. But in this case, it will not help you. This time, you are the one seeking out the answers – so going in with a plan, and going in directly is important.

  • You told me last week that you fantasize about dominating women…I have some sex questions to ask you about this, to clarify what you mean.

Step 2: Speak For As Long As You Need To

Most men these days have a few kinks in the closet, but they can be very sensitive when speaking about them. Don’t come across as judgemental – instead try to understand why this kink turns him on. It may lead to a new world of sexual pleasure that the two of you can enjoy together.

At the same time, too many sex questions will make him feel ambushed. Ask some simple questions to begin with, and speak around them. Listen to what he says, and when describing your reaction to them, refer to your feelings on the concept instead of making blanket statements.

Your husband may retreat from the conversation if he feels like you are not making an attempt to understand. “I wonder how it will fit into our sex life, because right now it still makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable.” This is better than, “I’m never letting you tie me up!”

Spend an hour or two asking sex questions, then adjourn until you can process what has been said. A few conversations over the course of a couple weeks should help you better understand him.

Step 3: Learn About The Fetish Together

Google can be a nightmare for you if you delve into it without his guidance. Some kinks can become pretty extreme, but this does not mean that your husband will eventually want these things.

Many men love pegging, which is when a woman uses a strap-on to have sex with him – but this does not mean he is gay! Spend some time investigating those sex questions with him online, so that he can tell you what he likes and what he doesn’t.

When you and your husband learn about his fetish together, you will be better primed to come up with games or experiments that you will both enjoy, which will fulfil his needs and yours.

Sex questions game investigations lead to closeness
Sex questions game investigations lead to closeness

Step 4: Do Not Hide Your Real Feelings

It may be your instinct to do what he wants, even if it comes at a cost to you. The internet is full of women who bravely try to get into their husband’s fetish games, but suffer because of them.

It’s true – there may be some sex questions that are never answered. You may find that you don’t like his new fetish at all. It’s critical that if you discover an overt mismatch to communicate this early and clearly, so that you do not have to live through the emotional damage it will cause you.

Always be honest about how a sex act has made you feel. Speak to him about it candidly and directly. If it didn’t work for you – it didn’t work at all. It takes two people to enjoy sex, and you are 50% of that equation. Find a variant or move on. A loving man will care enough to understand.

All Men Have Sexual Secrets

According to Joshua Ramirez Wharwood of Outlish.com, research has shown that men make up the majority of people affected by fetishes, but that these tendencies are formed before puberty.

As much as we want it to be, sexual desire is not something we can control. If your husband has risked it all and told you about a kink or fetish in a moment of connection – you have a responsibility to your relationship to investigate it and ask those tough sex questions.

One of the worst things you can do in a sexual relationship is shut down communication. Your husband may not even understand his fetish, so together you can discover what it means to your relationship. The alternative is for it to tear you apart, and leave you feeling resentful and hurt.

Imagine longing for a type of intimacy you can’t explore with your husband? It takes real courage for a man to confess his sexual secrets to you. Ask those sex questions carefully, be kind and do not make snap judgements about things you know nothing about.

For sexual happiness in your relationship you and your husband should indulge in a sex Q&A every month. Discuss the ideas that turn you on, the fantasies you’ve had and what you might like to try in the future. Consideration for kinks runs both ways, so share some of your secrets with him!

How do I ask him personal sex questions? By approaching him directly, speaking in small increments for as long as you need to and exploring the fetish together. The right sex questions can bring you closer together than you ever thought possible, if you are willing to try.

While these questions will be personal, they will also strengthen your relationship and grow the sexual bond that you have as a couple. After all – love is expressed in a range of different ways.

Can’t get enough of these awesome posts? Carry on reading with our post on 6 tips for sex that will improve your intimacy, or discover how to look gorgeous in plus size lingerie.

What Do You Think?

Thank you for reading our post, we hope you found it informative! In the spirit of our mission we have one more thing to ask you. What keeps you from exploring your sexuality with your partner?

Be bold, and leave your comment below.

About Jade

I am the Operations Manager at Désir & feel so privileged to have been a part of this adventure from the very beginning, conceptualizing and building our amazing lingerie and sex toy ranges. Having a Diploma in Business Analysis my aim is to assist in the streamlining of processes, thereby ensuring maximum efficiency, remaining relevant by keeping up to date with trends, and producing statistical analysis in order to meet our consumer’s needs.

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